Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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