There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
