You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
