It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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