Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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