Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
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