Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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