Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
