you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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