I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
