i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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