I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
