I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
