How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
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He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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