I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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