life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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