remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
