you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
