i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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