Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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