the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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