im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
