dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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