Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just blew my weed a kiss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize