broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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