first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
