Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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