can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He better not be in your backpack
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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