I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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