there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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