its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
