They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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