glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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