Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
