Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
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this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
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I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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