I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
