Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
