it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
