i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
