Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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