Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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