You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
