I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
