advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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