Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
this is an emotional support booty call
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