Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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