I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Pappa wants mamma naked
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
