LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
