Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
