I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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