My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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