I met the friendliest cop last night
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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