She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
