how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
