bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
