someone threw a dead crab at me
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Let the clothes fall where they may.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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